9 January 2020. Liars and thieves.
Today’s letter visit is a little unusual in that I can’t disclose too much about where I am or what I am doing because of two words.
Liars and thieves.
I have just had an interesting conversation with a smart friend, a child psychologist, on the subject of age-appropriate references by separated parents. And it is a complex set of alternatives to consider in what is and is not age-appropriate. You will need to understand the word ‘animosity‘ to place this subject into proper context.
If for example a child of four, as you were when you were taken away from my home, has two parents, and one parent then disappears from the child’s life. Lets say, for this conversation, because that parent is a bank robber who has killed 3 people in 27 bank robberies over the past ten years.
Nobody knew this parent had a dark side like that. Not even her partner. The police caught this bank robbing murderer and mother and now she is going to be in jail for ever. The child knows nothing about this. He just thinks mummy and daddy are always there and then one day mummy disappears and he finds himself in a different home with daddy. The first question he asks is “Where’s mummy?”
What is the age-appropriate way for the father to explain to the four year old about the bank-robber, murderer mother?
She is still the boys mother. And yet she has committed unpleasant and socially unacceptable actions for which there is accountability.
When the boy asks “Wheres my mummy” the father has to consider the reply through an age-appropriate lens. He could lie and say – Mummy has gone on a holiday to research a subject for her new book and she will be back soon as her work is done; or any other number of age-appropriate lies in the hope of not upsetting the child with the truth. Because, perhaps the truth is not age-appropriate for a four year old. And could affect his relationship development in many peculiar ways. Sometimes it is better to lie and protect the child from the awful reality. That’s what some believe.
See what I mean with this little story of the bank robbing mum?. Age appropriate truth is a subject that depends on many factors. Age appropriateness is essentially – a measure of how much you lie to the child about the parents differences.
You already know more than any child should about your two parents animosity.
You also know which parent chose to do what. And so when I refer to thieves and liars I don’t believe I am speaking inappropriately to you about something you don’t already know. Because we have already had that discussion. And also because I recognize that in family law; those who choose to lie and steal do so depending on the legal interpretation that the losing parent, the wronged parent, cannot disparage the other parent. And with this indemnity, the ‘winning parent’ presumes free license to lie and steal to their hearts content, secure in knowing the child will be protected by angry family law from being told the truth. Or to be more specific, the other version of the truth they claim to be truth, as experts in lying and stealing.
In your case, family court members deliberately lied and stole in the belief that you would never be able to know what they did. Confidently believing they are protected by a cloak of anonymity as members of family law.
My decision is that you deserve to know the truth. And that there is never an age appropriate way of calling a liar and thief anything other than a liar and thief just to conceal their dishonesty from their child.
But to end today’s chat on a more uplifting note, not all members of family law are thieves and liars. And not all people you meet in life will be as dishonest and fundamentally intrinsically deceitful as those who have prevented you from seeing me since 16 February, 2016. In fact, they are in a class of their own in this regard. The best lying thieves you are ever likely to come across in a lifetime of misfortune. You can look forward to meeting many people with higher ethical standards in the course of your lifetime. It is unlikely you will meet anyone representing lower standards than the ones that have affected us in this lying thieving way, and so that is a reason to be cheerful.
Hard times tend to bring philosophical ideas into play. One such is karma. That you ‘reap what you sow.’ That ‘eventually what goes up must come down’. Or, “Be nice and then others will be nice to you”.
Whatever comfort you find in clear thinking, make sure joy is always in your heart. And when you are able to decide for yourself how you feel about lying and thieving, you always have a home with me. In the meanwhile that is just a home in my heart. But who knows. You will love California when the time comes and you are no longer subject to the excellent work in thieving and lying that has been one side of the truth you have been fed.
See you next Thursday on the same page.